This is Sir Kefka Palazzo bringing you the first of the KEFKA PLAYS series! Because all these games the mun is playing are worse than Final Fantasy VI and I need to get you slobs to go play it and marvel at the magnificence of me in it. DO NOT ACCEPT DISSIDIA. DISSIDIA IS NOT THE TRUE KEFKA. I DON’T WEAR SUCH UGLY GREEN SUITS. Listen to me and I will put you on the path to Kefka!
Also, let me point out that I belong to Square Enix and that I’m not making money off this. If the mun gets sued, I’ll go down too and I’d hate that! So don’t. Squeenix, I…well, I hate you because I’m me, but she likes you. And my opinions are not those of the mundane, so don’t use them to start a fight. She says it’s important because I am a ‘genuine grade A asshole’ and she doesn’t like to be involved with me. (Also, it’s lies. She’s jealous of my mad skills.)
Before I start, I should note that I’m only up to halfway through chapter 6. Mun is so slow at playing these things! It’s terrible! There’ll be more once I get done with this terrible game. So keep that in mind! I have knowledge from watching the original game, but it’s been a while, so I may be memory-failing. But that’s because being a god ruined my memory, so you better not complain when you point it out.
So, first off: Zack is an idiot and he is evil. The idiot I can prove right now: he’s got no awareness, he eats any propaganda fed to him and he hits on the underage. As for the evil--MORE ON THIS LATER. I don’t think you’re all ready for the BLAST OF PHILOSOPHY explaining this will bring, so let me complain about everything else.
Second of all: GENESIS SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP is what I want to say, and I will say it because does he ever stop repeating himself? Ever? No? Alright then. But anyone who can make a fandom rise up as one and shout that has some sort of talent. Once I get out of the internet, I’m getting a Genesis to ramble at everyone.
Also, not only am I ten times wittier and prettier than he is, I am a success, I don’t have to look like Gackt to have friends and my clothing is better!
Also also, I can make poetry better than Loveless. I could slap cat ears on the entire cast and turn it into a romantic comedy and it’d be better than that dreck! What sort of poetry is that? There’s no meter, no rhyme, not even any imagery! It’s just meaningless adjectives slapped together! I can write better than this!
When the world was devoured by the beasts
Who warred for pleasure and on pain they did feast
The goddess appeared to cleanse the pained land
Magics scattered from her silver-lined hands
And humanity wondered on her gifts: why?
Why give what can burn or lift to the sky
But soon magic swallows their questions, for
It creates a path to industry’s door
Factories rise; kingdoms fall; humans live
And people forget what was in that given
But magic forgets not; it is a beast
Fire eats; steel pierces; the most become least
And freedom will only be found in death
Beast and magic felled with man’s last breath
I wrote that in fifteen minutes. That’s a sonnet using iambic pentameter! With occasional use of slant rhyme! I had to use a lot of abstract adjectives to match Loveless’s tone because it’s full of fluffy, meaningless things like ‘torment’ and ‘bliss’ and that sort of thing! You don’t use that in a poem! Poetry is for evoking emotions and feelings and abstract crap like that doesn’t pull it! I wrote it in fifteen minutes and I’ve still used more concrete details than Loveless has! Plus, it’s based on my world, which automatically makes it better.
In conclusion, Loveless is a hack job that Genesis quotes to make his pathetic loser Sephiroth stalking look a little less pathetic. If I could, I would sorry for him. If he had a book of Shakespeare, he’d probably still sound pathetic, but he’d be able to sound smart while doing it!
Angeal also needs to shut up. Hopes and honor are so cliché! And I’m starting to think that everyone got a meaningful name on purpose. Angeal, Genesis and Sephiroth? It was an attempt at prophetic names. A failure of one.
If I was stupid enough to use scented shampoo like Sephiroth, I would be dead because I would be killed by people smelling me! Foo on that.
I thought Aerith had a spine. Is she thirteen in this game? She acts like it. Zack is almost as bad as that corpse-saving thief from my world.
Third: combat. Easy to break. I look forward to later, when I can break the system by material-leveling. Where’s my Hell Firaga? I need one, stat! I also like that Materia leveling says what it makes, unlike Birth by Sleep. More on that in a future post. Missions are all about killing and don’t have any of that “get all the badges” chocobo crap from 358 Days. Mundane needs to stop playing so many Square Enix games, it’s infecting me.
Off-topic, but why are there only eight faces for NPCs? Even my game had more and it came out in 1994. I am aghast at this. Aghast. My jaw dropped so hard that rattled around on the floor a few times before I put it back in my face! Where’s my variety?! The music all sounds the same too! Where’s the variety? And there’s foot high fences wherever Zack steps!! I HATE IT!!!
Now, back to the first topic. Zack is an evil idiot. He wants to be a hero, but what does he do? He kills the people facing the evil empire! This is not a good act!
Now, I hear all of you in the audience going “Zack is a good guy! He’s the hero! Kefka, shut up!” But I have proof.
There are three basic philosophies concerning the morality of an action: that the intent determines the morality of the action (virtue ethics), that the consequences determine the morality of the action (consequentialism), and that the action and how the laws of the land would apply to it determine the morality (deontological ethics). This is skimping on the details, but if you want more, go read the links, it’ll be good for you. I, personally, am a consequentialist: if the end is what I need, the means justify it!
Now, let’s look at the actions of Zack Fair. Zack Fair wants to help people by working for Shinra and so obeys their orders. However, Shinra is mostly doing evil deeds: taking over countries in imperialist fits, destroying towns, killing and silencing anyone who disagrees with them and that’s not even getting into their wrecking the afterlife for cheap power or the class stratification that they’ve caused in Midgar!
So, if we’re looking from virtue ethics, we can see his intent is to help people, and thus he is good. Helping Shinra is a lawful act, which means his action is good under deontological ethics. However, when you look at the consequences: Shinra’s continued iron grip on the world, destroying a rebellion that could free Wutai from said iron grip, saving Hojo--these all cause evil consequences. Therefore, from a consequentialist perspective, Zack is eeeevil. Evil evil evil. Like me. I would argue that I’m better, in fact, because I am aware of what I’m doing. He just moves through life like a rock in space, no knowledge affecting him or his course.
…of course, you could argue that the consequences are also good, since they’re what Shinra wants, but I act on virtues and actions that code as good for my home, which is also the designated villain, and I get slapped with the evil stick lots of times! What is the difference?
In conclusion, for anyone who didn’t like reading this:
If this shadow has offended,
Think but this, and all is mended:
That you have but slumbered here
While this vision did appear.
And if that doesn't work, comment or something. Haters, lovers, friends--bring it on!